It's one of those moments again. Mom came into my room and told me to do something bout my life. "Hurry and finish up your nail art course and maybe get a job!" she said. I had a reluctant look. "If you're not interested in nail art, why did you even signed up for it and make your dad pay that huge sum? And all these nail products lying around?!" Tears rolled down my face. How will I ever tell her how I feel.....
Just when I thought things have been going smoothly, something pops up of the blue and it strikes me at my heart. I've taken nail art classes since last year January and stopped after my teacher told me to practice at home and come for exams when you're ready. But once you've let go, you lose your interest. Maybe it's not even there to begin with, who knows why I even signed up for it in the first place? I'm silly I guess, I'm not even a girl who'd paint even the simplest one-tone colour on any of her nails no matter what the occasion is. Why did I even take up a nail art course?
Mom always tells me these things about how my father is unhappy with me spending money on these he calls 'useless stuff'. Yet, not even once he actually confronted me when things go wrong, not that I remember it... Every time when we're alone in the car it would just be a one-way conversation of me trying to talk to him. I do wonder, does he understands me? Perhaps as children, we might doubt our parents at some point too whether they really know us. Like how he ever talks to me about business related stuff or career stuff, it's like he doesn't care about other aspects in my life. I'm frustrated, yes, and I guess it leads me to isolate myself and escape into my own world. Just like how one of my cats hates crowds and refuses to let me carry her, I guess it's the same. I went to her, pat her gently and the this thought struck me, perhaps even when parents don't show you as much love, they do love you deep down.
People make mistakes, we go through failures to become stronger. It might be different for you and me, and for me, it somehow tends to involve sums of money each time. It's not like my family will suffer a lot even if I made mistakes like these, I guess God placed me in such a circumstance to let me grow, but that guilt, that guilt! It just makes me feel so bad. Seeing how my dad works so hard each day, many times sacrificing his sleep to earn a little more for our family, and how I'm spending away his hard earned bucks like this makes me feel so terrible. He's the sole breadwinner for my family of four and he has never stopped working...
College was a failure and now this nail art class too. And soon I'm off to Singapore and it'll cost an even larger sum this time. This is the burden I bear. This time I'll be living alone far away, perhaps that's the best thing to do too, I know I learn best when I'm alone. And it might be my last shot too, and it's got to be all or nothing.
I'm really grateful for understanding parents, I'm grateful that I know God and that makes me feel better. I do know I'm not alone in this and I know I have to go through this. I know when I make it through I will be stronger, I will be able to help others too, as similar like how I was able to understand more of the struggles of others who's going through what I've been through in life and the advice I gave them. I've been bullied, I've dropped out of college after one semester, so what's there to fear ahead right?
Thinking bout the message of Good Friday till Easter, I think it's not just about how Christ died on the cross for us, but it applies to how life is too. Thinking about His loved ones, Mary and Joseph and the disciples and many others who felt hopeless and sad onto his death, yet none of them recalled that He has said that He will rise in 3 days. We sometimes tend to focus too much on the current problems and we feel so disappointed and hopeless. We forget the good things around us, like the good message he has told them. But if we are to continue to look forward, we will know that there is a way for the good to come in the end, just like how He is risen on the third day. The tomb stone had been moved, the tomb is now empty. Stop looking into it and search for that sadness and emptiness for the good has come before you realized it. In fact, the hope has always been there with you, but you didn't realize it when you dwell into despair. Look up now and see that Jesus Christ has risen and he is hope.
Pardon my grammatical mistakes as I typed the first half of this with tears in my eyes. I do feel much better now after typing this out. Saying what's in my heart really helps to cheer myself up each and every time. I will go to sleep now. Good night :)
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." Revelation 21:4