April 21, 2014

Struggles

It's one of those moments again. Mom came into my room and told me to do something bout my life. "Hurry and finish up your nail art course and maybe get a job!" she said. I had a reluctant look. "If you're not interested in nail art, why did you even signed up for it and make your dad pay that huge sum? And all these nail products lying around?!" Tears rolled down my face. How will I ever tell her how I feel.....



Just when I thought things have been going smoothly, something pops up of the blue and it strikes me at my heart. I've taken nail art classes since last year January and stopped after my teacher told me to practice at home and come for exams when you're ready. But once you've let go, you lose your interest. Maybe it's not even there to begin with, who knows why I even signed up for it in the first place? I'm silly I guess, I'm not even a girl who'd paint even the simplest one-tone colour on any of her nails no matter what the occasion is. Why did I even take up a nail art course?

Mom always tells me these things about how my father is unhappy with me spending money on these he calls 'useless stuff'. Yet, not even once he actually confronted me when things go wrong, not that I remember it... Every time when we're alone in the car it would just be a one-way conversation of me trying to talk to him. I do wonder, does he understands me? Perhaps as children, we might doubt our parents at some point too whether they really know us. Like how he ever talks to me about business related stuff or career stuff, it's like he doesn't care about other aspects in my life. I'm frustrated, yes, and I guess it leads me to isolate myself and escape into my own world. Just like how one of my cats hates crowds and refuses to let me carry her, I guess it's the same. I went to her, pat her gently and the this thought struck me, perhaps even when parents don't show you as much love, they do love you deep down.

People make mistakes, we go through failures to become stronger. It might be different for you and me, and for me, it somehow tends to involve sums of money each time. It's not like my family will suffer a lot even if I made mistakes like these, I guess God placed me in such a circumstance to let me grow, but that guilt, that guilt! It just makes me feel so bad. Seeing how my dad works so hard each day, many times sacrificing his sleep to earn a little more for our family, and how I'm spending away his hard earned bucks like this makes me feel so terrible. He's the sole breadwinner for my family of four and he has never stopped working...

College was a failure and now this nail art class too. And soon I'm off to Singapore and it'll cost an even larger sum this time. This is the burden I bear. This time I'll be living alone far away, perhaps that's the best thing to do too, I know I learn best when I'm alone. And it might be my last shot too, and it's got to be all or nothing.



I'm really grateful for understanding parents, I'm grateful that I know God and that makes me feel better. I do know I'm not alone in this and I know I have to go through this. I know when I make it through I will be stronger, I will be able to help others too, as similar like how I was able to understand more of the struggles of others who's going through what I've been through in life and the advice I gave them. I've been bullied, I've dropped out of college after one semester, so what's there to fear ahead right?



Thinking bout the message of Good Friday till Easter, I think it's not just about how Christ died on the cross for us, but it applies to how life is too. Thinking about His loved ones, Mary and Joseph and the disciples and many others who felt hopeless and sad onto his death, yet none of them recalled that He has said that He will rise in 3 days. We sometimes tend to focus too much on the current problems and we feel so disappointed and hopeless. We forget the good things around us, like the good message he has told them. But if we are to continue to look forward, we will know that there is a way for the good to come in the end, just like how He is risen on the third day. The tomb stone had been moved, the tomb is now empty. Stop looking into it and search for that sadness and emptiness for the good has come before you realized it. In fact, the hope has always been there with you, but you didn't realize it when you dwell into despair. Look up now and see that Jesus Christ has risen and he is hope.



Pardon my grammatical mistakes as I typed the first half of this with tears in my eyes. I do feel much better now after typing this out. Saying what's in my heart really helps to cheer myself up each and every time. I will go to sleep now. Good night :)

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." Revelation 21:4

5 comments:

  1. It is never all or nothing, sweetie, it only stops when you give up. I dropped college once and I will do it again, how many times it is necessary for me to find something I like. I do think faith is fundamental, but many people have faith on the wrong person, because you can only find yourself when you know and trust yourself, I have faith in myself only, because I know I am capable of taking anything.

    This generation is struggling much more with this future related decision, but I don't see it as something wrong. That actually means that we are starting to think more and wanting to do things we like, not just money or what our parents tell us, we are finally thinking in ourselves more and that is the best thing ever.

    I know everything becomes much harder when you don't have your parents support, but inside they really do love you and just don't know how to motivate it, I see it happening a lot, of course some parents just don't really care, but that is rare. Your parents should just want what is best for you and your future, and they are probably just worried about you, like how will you take care of yourself about money if something happens to them. The problem usually is just miscommunication and most of the times you cant really solve it.

    I know it is hard to keep the bad feelings away, but never think people are doing something to prejudice you (only for the people you know), chances are you just cant understand each other very well, but deep inside they just want what is best for you, just like how you would feel for that person.

    I don't know if I could help, but if you have any trouble or feel down, don't hesitate to talk to me, even though I am just a stranger xD I really feel sympathy for people and want to help as much as I can. :3

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    1. Thanks for reading :)

      Maybe for you it's alright to drop out, but I live with a rather tight financial situation, so I can't always let my parents waste their money on my failures. I've already wasted a year searching or what I want to do, and if this time I still can't find the right thing to do, I would've wasted time and money. You know how after repeated failures people tend to distrust you? I think it's the same. Right now my parents still let me do what I want, but I know if this continues to tumble down, it won't be long before they will try and plan for me instead.

      I understand what's happening with this generation too. I have my hardships and through those I have been able to help out several people out there who are struggling through the same thing. I like helping them and it makes me feel better to know that my failed experiences helps to console others and give them hope too. :) But I know failing consistently is not the answer.

      What I want to do in life is not just getting a good career and earning money. As a Christian, I want to help others through their sorrow and worries. A successful career is not my goal in life. I told this to my dad but he just doesn't look happy with what I want to do as he's constantly thinking bout earning money and I know why he thinks like that. But I know it's my life and it's what I want to do too so even if he doesn't really support me on that I will still pray and get support from God.

      This time, going to Singapore, I really prayed a lot. And if I am not up for this, I have prayed that God just let me fail the interview. But since I've passed it, I'm sure He has plans for me then. I'm just going to let my faith bring me along.

      Don't worry bout be dear, I don't fall so easily. I just had to write this to get the thoughts out of my head and set things straight. That's what I do each time and always, by the end of the post, I feel a little stronger. :) Thank you for your concern. :)

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  2. Hey, I'm the dude who asked about Lasalle college last time in one of your post. As you say, everybody go through failure to become stronger. You are still young to experiment plenty of things before being able to achieve what you want. I'm kind of in the same situation but i'm way older than you. I just quitted university to apply to lasalle (everybody think it sounds ridiculous to return to college) because I couldn't take it much longer since i'm just unhappy being in the wrong program and having bad grades. The fees are so damn expensive without MOE. Did you get your grant? Anw congratulation for your acceptance to Lasalle, i'm still waiting for the response ( it has been only a week since i've submitted my portfolio). I don't even know how they are going to interview those who live far apart. I'm desperate to get a response from Lasalle because it determines if I should really pursue an art career or not. It will sucks if I get accepted without MOE grant because I won't be able to pay 23k bucks a year.This post is from almost 3 weeks ago so I hope you got better now. Anw, it'll be nice to get a new friend in advance if i'm lucky enough to get accepted although we're not in the same program. :)

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    1. Thanks for your concern. I got the tuition grant and I'm now waiting for the Student Pass to process. :) I'm not sure how things work if you send in your portfolio because I went there myself and show them and did the interview at the same time. The fees are really expensive and just like you, if I didn't get the tuition grant I don't think I'll be heading over there this August, but I'm glad I got it. (^^)

      I got my interview results on the spot and I got the offer letter along with the tuition grant form after a week. I'm not sure if there are still tuition grant offer available now, as I heard that they give only a limited number of students. Good luck to you! :)

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  3. I think it is better if you allowed yourself to think about your experiences in a more positive light. Say, I wouldn't call it a "waste of time", because ultimately, you understood yourself more.

    I have also gone through some ups and downs, but most importantly, the failures taught me what my strengths and weaknesses were. For you, maybe you like being creative, but it may or may not be something other than nail art. Whatever it is, I'm sure you'll find out.
    If you don't open a door, how will you know? =)

    Your parents sound like my parents, but ultimately, as you say, they care - in their annoying way haha. I'm not sure what it's like in your country, but if you have time for a part time job, maybe you can use some of that money to spend on your interests?
    Also, try doing some personality tests and Strength tests (can be found online) to see what you are good at. That helped me "a lot" in helping me find my goals more easily. I'm still searching too but I now know my old goals weren't right for me. I failed and that is okay too!

    All the best =)

    Regards,

    Miss Eliza WonDerland
    www.misselizawonderland.com

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